(Find Out) New LJ [30 Dec 2004|07:56pm] Ok...my new LJ is xlifesxrejectx.

(Find Out) sorry [30 Dec 2004|05:56am] sorry i havent up dated in forever...i'm going to start a new LJ though. When i do start it...which will be soon...i'll post the SN in case anyone wants it. or even cares. i seriously dont think anyone reads this anyways...thats why i havent updated. oh well.

(1Person Knows | Find Out) [02 Dec 2004|01:43pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | the first cut is the deepest . sheryl crow-2s.o.w.d.r.i.l.h ] my life's falling apart... everything is going wrong. but i have to be strong...i have to sit and smile. it's like i'm no longer allowed to cry or i'll be punished for it. i went to therapy yesturday, i have to go once a week now. we talked about the recent stuff that has happened, and about tony, and erica and kyle...nothing bad dont worry...well except tony..but nevermind that. i'm only 15 how am i suppose to be able to stay strong and do all this? it's too hard for me. i'm not as strong as i used to be. [shrugs] i'm going to make a new layout...soon i hope. so i can get my mind off of shit. my dads tripple bypass is tomarrow, at 8 am. so that's another day i'm not going to school. i'm just going to start going back monday i guess. i'm suppose to talk to someone when i'm depressed like this...but everyone is at school. and i feel weird talking to my mom about crap that's going on right now that's making me this way. and i don't want to post it cause i don't want the world knowing. oh well. it would be so much easier to crawl in a hole and just stay there for the rest of my life...and the only people who could ever come to see me would be pheebs, and kyle. i would say erica but she's kinda pissed at me i guess so i dont think shed want to come see me...but if she did...she'd definatly be invited to see me...in my hole :/ Erica . sorry i've been so...well not myself lately. don't take it to heart. you're one of my best friends, you know that. and i love you. sorry for everything...and sorry i keep apologizing. Pheebs . thanks for all your help in everything. i hope my mom says yes when i ask her about comming there for christmas! i've started sucking up hehehe. p.s get well soon!!!!!!!! Kyle . sorry i havent been going to school...it's too hard right now with all this crap going on. well i guess i'll go for now. everyone have a happy life. congrats to: Ashley and Josh [getting back together] Erica and Sarah [getting back together] Ashley [not being grounded anymore] Tony [being the biggest asshole and the only person to ever get me to want to kill myself...wow what a loving boyfriend you were..gee thanks..not. go fuck off and burn in fucking hell for all i fucking care] All of my friends [you all saved my life that night...weather you know it or not. and i love you all] well buh bye for now. i'll update later. SSD [sorry so depressing] p.s on the music thing 2s.o.w.d.r.i.l.h means to someone who doesnt realize i love her...yea...you know who you are.

(1Person Knows | Find Out) alive [28 Nov 2004|12:14pm] [ mood | touched ] [ music | hit me with your best shot . pat benatar [cant spell it] ] YAY! I'm okay. im sorry to everyone i didnt think it would effect all these people because i wasnt thinking at all. im SO sorry. that was a mistake. but im okay now! im going to the heart dr tomarrow and the therapist i hope she doesnt put me in the crazy house. i havent seen her in a month. oh well. im ok now tho thnx god...i didnt want to die...and i dont want to now. i love you all too much. i was stupid..all because one person doesnt care doesnt mean everyone doesnt. as long as i have you all im ok. i love you guys. once again im sorry. LOVE YOU!

(1Person Knows | Find Out) new poem [21 Nov 2004|07:36pm] [ mood | crushed ] [ music | sweet dreams . Marilyn Manson ] new poem! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE why should i live? if you don't care, if i know you're going to leave, like everyone before. why should i live? if my life is like this, if i know im going to be alone, like i have in the past. why should i live? if i know you don't love me too, if i know we're never going to be, since its never going to be me and you. why should i live? i guess im better off without you so i wont live... no not with you. by regina nov, 21, 2004

(Find Out) hate new med [10 Nov 2004|12:11am] [ mood | drained ] [ music | Poetic Tradgedy . the used ] I'm SO tired, I hate this new anti depressant...it makes me feel like I'm about to pass out. lol. I gave Tony the gifts. He thought they were sweet [cheers for self] and I told him what I was going to tell him, that didn't go as well. I miss Pheebs I haven't talked to her in like 2 days. I'm sorry Pheebs I've just been busy with a lot of stuff. Oh yea, my brothers in the hospital again. He's having breathing problems as usual. My butt head of a teacher, Mr.Nicolson, is being a MAJOR pain...he sees Tony give me a hug..ok people a HUG for CHRIST SAKE! and he's all trying to take a picture of it to turn it in to the AP. I'm talking to him about it in 2nd period tomarrow. He has no clue what I've been through and what I AM going through and how much a simple hug helps. He pisses me off, I think he's gay, but one of the ones who gets married to hide it. I wish I would have never transferred into his class, and today he made me feel fat. We were trying on diff dress sizes for our formal for concerts and I knew a 2 in those dresses would be too small [theyre made really small] so I put a 4 on and it fit perfectly, not too big not too small. I go and show him [cause he had to see and know what size to order] he told me "No you need a 6" I was like "Pfft on you!" and I tried on the 6 and it made my boobs look weird and made me look pregnate. Oh well, hopefully I'll be out of that class soon. I hate me, I always do something wrong...I can't even get a hug without getting in trouble. Somethings really wrong when that happens. It's a shocker...I didn't cry at all today. I almost passed out though, lol, stupid pills. Everyone said i looked stoned, lol, drugs are stupid people, don't do them, seriously. There's no school thursday, I wish there was, but I guess I'll sleep all day. Oh I forgot I have a modeling audition for some commercial, pfft. OO OO OO I forgot to tell you! I'm saving up my money so I can move when I'm 18 lol. 3 more years. Or the money can go twards our road trip to Cali. bwahahaha! Whichever. I'm So tired, I want to goto bed, but I cant. I promised Meaghan I'd burn these cd's for her, so I am. She's done a lot for me....this is the least I could do for her. I smell like Kiwi, lol. I think it's my Shampoo and Conditioner. [shrugs] OMG YAY! Kyle and Anna are FINALLY going out...I've been telling him to go out with her since I found out she liked him. [claps for kyle] My arm pitts smell like Baby Powder...lol, dont ask. please dont ask lol. Today someone told my cousin that I've been talking about her...all I've said about her is "Yea she's my cousin" oh well, I'm blamed for almost everything else, but now I know it's not all my fault, only some. hehe. This thing is weird, it's suppose to repel mesquitos and it makes this little ticking noise thats it...How is THAT suppose to keep the bastards away?!?! lol. I'm odd. OMG Look me and my friend Brittany made this stuff up... Really Really hot guy or really really ugly gurl? [guy] would you rather do your mom or grandma? [grandma...if I did my mom I'd be back where I came from!] Chop dick off or half of body? [if i were a guy I'd chop my dick off and buy a strap on!] Suck a clog out of a potty or suck a cock and swallow? [cock...eww on potty lol] would you do your mom or dad? [mom...but eww to both lol] Alyson (fat chick on bus) or Tony? [Tony...:D] A world without music or a world with music but you cant speak? [with music without speaking lol] would you rather peirce your grandmas clit or peirce your grandpas dick? [first off eww...second...grandma] LMAO. We're making more up every day hehe. We're...odd...and..."special." Anyways, I better go. Luv Yaz!

(Find Out) [07 Nov 2004|12:22am] [ mood | dorky ] [ music | some german song my mom listens to. ] Ok, more about earlier! I showed Pheebs the gifts i got Tony and I told Chrissy about them, she thinks it's sweet. [squeals] I'm so scared he won't like it! Thanks Pheebs and Chrissy!!!! Erica thinks I hate her now. But I don't. I don't know why she thinks that though. Today I thought Kyle was dead he hadn't called all day so I tried to call him 3 times but no answer...then finally he called lol. He's been gone all day lol. well I gotta go. Luv yaz!

(Find Out) eh [06 Nov 2004|10:49pm] [ mood | content ] [ music | Hurt . Johnny Cash ] I just got home like, 20 minutes ago. Tony still hasn't called. He told me he'd call today. Oh well I guess, I got his gift today. I hope he likes it and doesn't think I'm stupid. I might drop it off at his house tomarrow, or wait until moday at school. I haven't decided yet. What do you all think? It sucks, always making someone mad. Or depressed. Well I'm going to go mess with my cam. might post some pics. Cya. Luv Yaz!

(Find Out) funny [06 Nov 2004|01:01am] [ mood | amused ] [ music | Short Dick Man . 20 Fingers ] Ok this song is too funny not to post the lyrics. I found it on accident, well here it is...enjoy! Short Dick Man-20 Fingers Ah, ah Ah, ah Ah, ah, Ah, ah Ah, ah Ah, ah Ah, ah, Ah, ah Don't want no short dick man Don't want no short dick man Don't want no short dick man Don't want no short dick man Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't Don't, don't, don't, don't Don't want, don't want, don't want, don't want Don't want no short dick man Don't want no short dick man Iny weeny teeny weeny Shriveled little short dick man Don't want,Don't want,Don't want, Don't want,Don't want,Don't want, Don't want,Don't want,Don't want, Don't want,Don't want,Don't want, Don't want,Don't want,Don't want, What in the world is that thing? Do you need some tweezers to put that thing away That has got to be the smallest dick I've ever seen in my whole life I have ever seen in my whole life Get the fuck outta here Iny weeny teeny weeny Shriveled little short dick man Don't want,Don't want, Don't want,Don't want, Don't want Don't want Don't want Don't want Don't want Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh! Isn't that cute an extra belly button You need to put your pants back on honey Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't Don't, don't, don't, don't Don't want,Don't want, Don't want,Don't want, Don't want no short dick man Don't want no short dick man Iny wee(x15) Iny weeny teeny weeny Shriveled little short dick man Pobre, pobrecito Que diablo eso Pobre, pobreci, pobre procito Que, que, que, que, que diablo eso Don't (X36)

(Find Out) new pics. [06 Nov 2004|12:46am] [ mood | blah ] [ music | boom I f*cked your boyfriend . 20 fingers ] I tis be bored. So I've been messing around with the cam. I'm only going to post two pictures though. I look so, so, so innocent. [giggles] I look pathetic here. Almost looks like I'm about to cry. Heh. Anywayz. I'm as bored as ever. Getting a little tired too. I sung to Pheebs...somewhat. I TRIED to sing hehe. I was suppose to be singing "In the Arms Of An Angel" But, I can't sing sooooo it was bad!! lol. I talked to Kyle and Shane on speaker until about 10:30 pm. We talked about pick up lines, my belching, porno [lol], and Shane told me a good-bye pick up line that umm...was interesting...lol they had to get off the phone and shane had the phone and he said "Lick me later...or better yet Lick you later" I was like...very nice...that's a new one. lol. Leave it to Shane to come up with that kind of stuff heh. I miss Tony a lot. I wish he was here. Well I'm gonna go. Maybe try to get some sleep in an hour or so. Luv yaz!

(Find Out) everything i guess [05 Nov 2004|10:42pm] [ mood | blah ] [ music | you won't ever be lonely . Andy Griggs (yes country) ] Nothing really interesting happened today. Another boring day in the life of me, Regina. Except, well, Tony was acting like we used to again. I will admit...I've missed that so much. I've told him how I feel time, and time, and time, again, and again, and again. I don't know what else to do. But on Monday I'm taking him a little...well big...gift, and I'm going to look him straight in the eyes and say "Listen either you want to be with me or you don't. I can't wait forever, I can't take this anymore. I love you with all of my heart. Do you love me with all of yours? Because I think if you loved me, you'd be with me right now. You wouldn't be sitting here toying with me like a yo-yo. So what's it going to be? It's now or never." I know I'm probably going to start crying, so that might show him just how much pain I'm in, because I need him so much. I used to need him because I needed someone to take my pain away. He's taken it away, now I need him for a different reason, because I love him so much. Maybe he doesn't truly love me like he says he does, but I know he'd never lie to me. I don't want to give up, and I won't. I'm always going to care about him, no matter what he chooses to do. I'll always be here for him, no matter what he's going through. He'll never be alone. Maybe I'm just a fool for staying around. But I just love him so much. I can't just get up and leave him like that. I don't think I'm a fool, but some of my friends do. But what matters is what I feel is right. Right? Yes, no question about it, I'm doing the right thing. I need to follow my heart. But I still can't wait forever, my heart will slowly die if I do. I'm not going to do that to myself. Monday, we'll have been apart exactly a month. Because we broke up on my birthday, happy birthday to me, huh? I think even if I COULD speak what's in my heart I wouldn't...because then it wouldn't be so special, so magical. You know what I mean? Pheebs has been helping me through this all, Thank you so much...I don't know what I'd do without you. Erica's been depressed lately. My fault, as usual, I'm to blame for everything. I'm sorry to you all, for all of the pain I have caused. I never meant to. I've been thinking about just becomming one of those people who wear nothing BUT black, walk the halls alone, never talking to anyone, then one day shoot up the school. I don't want to, but I keep hurting everyone, and I'm scared I'll be forced to it. The thing is, I try to make everyone else happy, and I end up miserable because I care more about THEM than myself. They don't notice though. They think I hurt them purposely. I don't. I would never do that. I wish they knew that. Oh well. Sorry to complain. Well I'll go for now. Might update later. Luv yaz!

(Find Out) [02 Nov 2004|09:48pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | just lose it . eminem ] life is a mystery...we're all so dumb and stupid we cant see wtf is right in front of our eyes. we cant see the subtle hints we are given everyday by the people around us. some hate us, some love us and some need us. everyone needs to realize that...i have. theres always someone who is going to need you. no matter what you think. sorry..ive just been odd lately. but all will come out in its own time lol. halloween whuz..interesting lol..i was a slutty vampire school girl...rica was death...and kyle was my victim. bwahahhahaha. lol. i looked so stupid..lol...im too fat to wear something like that. oh well...whatever pleases the public eye lol...not PUBIC...lol. tony says he has something to tell me but he has to be looking in my eyes when he tells me...so im totally lost. im about to kill the male race. err male sex. ahh fooy..no i wont...theyre too cute at times i guess. well i gotsa go for now..if im up later ill update. LUV YA ALL!

(1Person Knows | Find Out) new poem i wrote YAY! [30 Oct 2004|04:26pm] [ mood | anxious ] [ music | shes on fire . rob zombie ] ok tell me honestly what you think about it... Haunting Past it's amazing how things can be perfect than in an instant change in front of your eyes what you once thought were truths violently turn into lies everything goes wrong you're happiness is brought to a hault you have no choice but to wonder is it all your fault? you blame yourself it must be something you've done something you said you've so easily lost what you had won you ask yourself so many questions you ask yourself why? then when no one answers you sit silently and cry you cant help it so many things run through your head in your mind you think maybe it'd all be better if you were dead you become unsure of everything doubting it all wondering how the one you trust would just let you fall you try time after time searching everyones eyes but inside you know with every look your soul slowly dies you hold onto the past why can't you let go? you ask for help but your rudly told no you feel totally alone in a crowded room no one notices you're dying in your own doom you want to change it all you want to change the past and everyday you wish every breath is your last you breifly hope it will go away but it doesnt you realize it's here to stay you need to re-learn to live not to cry to look at your past and tell it good bye. Regina Smith Oct. 30 2004

(1Person Knows | Find Out) [23 Oct 2004|12:15pm] [ mood | calm ] Chickie she's in pain but you look at her like shes insane shes had a hard life i wish shed drop that knife we love her no matter what i hate to see her cut everynight she cries everyday she hopes she dies she doesnt know how amazing she is she really shouldnt be like this i believe in her living her dream but believing in herself is harder than it seems she doesnt believe shes "all that" she stupidly thinks shes fat all she wants is true love one that can only be sent from above she's wishing on a star she doesnt realize she doesnt have to look that far she doesnt know she has something to live for she truly desearves so much more. by regina smith oct.2,2004

(Find Out) movies [23 Oct 2004|11:58am] [ mood | accomplished ] [ music | run . snow patrol ] OMG! ERICA ITS A CHINESE CHILD RUNNNNNNNN!!!! lol we went to see the grudge last night. i wonder why my last update went in 3 times lol..retarded! anywayz rica, kyle, sanjay, shane, dustin,and i think hunter are all goin to Howl-o-Scream tonight, it's gonna kick some butt! tralalala la la laaaaaaaa! omg at the movies last night Bruce (hes bi too go him!) he asked if Erica and i were goin out beause we were holding hands and i said she never answered and he was like "oh if u guys were i was gonna kiss u both" then he walked up and said "ill kiss you, and give you a hug" lol...then when we were watching the movie...for the second time..he and his friends looked over and saw me and rica talking and said "damn there not making out yet" lol. for everything wrong in my life it seems like ive learned to run from it all, shove it under the rug, act like nothings wrong again...like i used to...and i seem to have a good time again. i dont cry everyday anymore...well sometimes i do, sometimes its every other day. i dunno why though. oh well at least some of the smiles are real...some of the laughs are too. anywayz i gotsa go eat...ttyl. LUV YAZ!

(1Person Knows | Find Out) life [10 Oct 2004|12:07pm] [ mood | crushed ] [ music | happy ending . avril ] life seriously sucks...i dont even see why im alive. i shouldve just told him..but i was dealing with it myself...and didnt know how or when to tell him. but now hes gone...hes off with her. but if thats what he wants ill let him have it. if only people knew. and it's all my fault. maybe if i lay and cry enough ill eventually die...yea...thats what ill do. cause ill i ever do is screw up. so i'll leave this world, this hell. ill up date if i feel better.

(Find Out) life [10 Oct 2004|12:07pm] [ mood | crushed ] [ music | happy ending . avril ] life seriously sucks...i dont even see why im alive. i shouldve just told him..but i was dealing with it myself...and didnt know how or when to tell him. but now hes gone...hes off with her. but if thats what he wants ill let him have it. if only people knew. and it's all my fault. maybe if i lay and cry enough ill eventually die...yea...thats what ill do. cause ill i ever do is screw up. so i'll leave this world, this hell. ill up date if i feel better.

(1Person Knows | Find Out) back [29 Sep 2004|07:15am] [ mood | blank ] [ music | happy ending . avril ] im back...WEEEEEEE! i know u missed me didnt u? RICA ILL ALWAYS TALK TO U I LUV YA CHICK!!! well nuthin hardly to say...so ill go. Tony ill always love you, sorry i screwed up.

(2Person Knowss | Find Out) [19 Sep 2004|11:52pm] i wont be updating for awhile...ill explain when im ready and strong enough.

(Find Out) later [19 Sep 2004|01:06am] [ mood | crushed ] [ music | broken . seether/amy lee ] ill update tomarrow...i just am having a hard time right now.

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